Those that know me know that I'm a huge fan of the 1980s. Whether it's music, movies, games or whatever, I can usually find something to get nostalgic about. When it comes to films, I can recall many from that decade that are not only indicitve of the era, but are also really quite good. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I can pretty much find
something to enjoy about any film from the eighties, even if I actually hated the movie at the time of it's release.
Let's remember that "pretty much" part.
Film buffs out there will remember a time in the early eighties when there was a brief, yet disturbingly popular trend in moviemaking: the rock-oriented movie musical. Spawned by the success of 1979's "Grease," it seemed like every studio wanted to get a piece of the proverbial pie, and they raced to produce one sickening musical after another: "You Can't Stop The Music," "The Pirate Movie," "Xanadu," "Sgt. Peppers," and "Grease 2" just to name a few. As painful as it may sound, I thought I had been exposed to them all, but sadly, I was wrong.
The other night, while fighting a bout of insomnia, I discovered a rare gem from 1980 that I was previously unaware of, and honestly, wish I had remained that way. The movie in question? A cinematic train wreck from Menaham Golan called "The Apple." Never before had I witnessed a film that managed to be simultaneously flabbergasting AND riveting--but I'm jumping ahead.
Here's the plot: It is the distant future--1994 to be exact. An innocent young couple, Bibi and Alphie (played by Catherine Mary Stuart and George Gilmour), enters an internationally broadcast songwriting competition with hopes of fame and fortune. Unfortunately, they lose to a somewhat sinister performing duo named 'Pandi and Dandi.' They do, however, catch the eye of an evil music promoter by the name of Mr. Boogelow, who offers them both superstardom and riches if they sign with him. Only Bibi takes the offer, and she instantly rockets to diva status, while poor Alphie returns to being unknown and destitute. Unbeknownst to Bibi, Mr. Boogelow's music is laced with subliminal messages with which he begins to control all of society. Now, Alphie and Bibi must try to find a way to reunite and fulfill the love they once had, all while escaping the evil Boogelow.
Sounds passable, right? Ok, maybe not. The truth is, I had to struggle to actually make that sound comprehensible. Plain and simple, this movie sucks. I don't just mean the story or the acting, I mean everything. From the chrome outfits to the horrible excuses for special effects, this is one rotten reel of celluloid. One would think that at least the musical numbers would be acceptable, but that's not the case. There are about 500 songs in the movie, and each one is more painful than the last. They are overlong, grating, and resemble something written by a tone-deaf troll. Witness the shrill, chainsaw-like quality of the rocker, "Speed" midway through the film, or the vomit-inducing, humorless "Master" number sung by Mr. Boogelow. And while you're at it, try to understand how the lyrics of the song "I'm coming" didn't negate the PG rating this movie got (It has something to do with "every inch of your love" and "love juice" if you get my drift). Any way you slice it, there isn't anything musically redeeming about this collection of crap.
As far as the aforementoned actors, you will probably only recognize Ms. Stuart (who would later go on to such films as "Night of the Comet" and "The Last Starfighter") and Joss Ackland (of "Lethal Weapon 2 fame), who must have been desperate for cash at this point in his career. The male lead, Gilmour, dissappeared into obscurity after this, and one can only hope he hasn't been on a killing spree lately. It honestly doesn't matter who was in this movie, though. No one and nothing could possibly save it from the smoldering hunk of shrapnel it effectively became.
With all that in mind, I highly reccommend viewing this film if you're able to catch it on cable. Why? Because I dare you to look away! If you aren't laughing out loud, you'll probably be sitting there with a painful, confused look on your face. Either way, you'll be glued to your screen--all the way to the end, when God himself takes the "good people" off the planet in his floating Rolls Royce.
Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. Enjoy!
TRIVIA:
-Apparently, when this movie premiered in LA, audiences were given free copies of the soundtrack on their way in to the theater. They ended up throwing these soundtracks at the screen during the film.
-If you don't blink, you'll catch actress Finola Hughes as a dancer in the "Speed" number. She later when on to star opposite John Travolta in the fantastic "Staying Alive."
Want to find out more about this astoundingly warped pile of refuse? You can go to the IMDB by clicking here, or you can visit an informative page here. It's also listed at Fast-Rewind.com.
