January 13, 2004

Looking to Get Dumped by Your Significant Other?

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and if you're like me, you think it's the most hateful, overrated holiday of all time. In any event, during both the Christmas season and Valentine's day, the airwaves are always clogged with ads for potential gifts for your spouse/girlfriend. The other day, I noticed a radio ad that I found to be quite funny. Picture two badly prepared voice actors. Here's a basic transcript:
Man: "Honey, do you remember how I called you my shining star?"
Woman: "Yes."
Man: "Well, Happy Valentine's Day--open it" (presumably hands gift to woman)
Woman: "Oh wow, you named a star after me!"

Announcer: "Naming a star after someone is the best gift you can possibly give!"

What a load of crap! I have news for you: Any man that thinks a woman is going to react this way to some bullshit no-effort excuse for a gift is in for a RUDE AWAKENING. And before you think I'm going to go off on a rant about how women are materialistic, and that's all they care about--wake up! That's the kind of shit men say when they can't afford to buy something nice for a girl. I'm all in favor of buying a nice gift for a girl you love, especially since I know I'D like something nice if I was in their shoes--rather than some pre-packaged, 5-minutes-of-your-lazy-ass-time peice of crap.

Aside from that, there's another thing that makes me laugh about this commercial--the same thing that makes me laugh whenever I hear about this "naming a star" after someone stuff: What the hell happens dozens or hundreds of years from now when we are travelling among these stars in our state-of-the-art spacecraft, looking to colonize other worlds?

Imagine a NASA pilot clicking on his comlink and saying, "This is bird one to bird two--we're closing in on the Sharon Goldberg system," and his co-pilot responding, "Roger that. It's two light years northwest of Carolyn Shmelnick. Prepare for Re-entry."

What about flash forwarding even farther into the future--after we've successfully colonized a planet and begun living there? "Wow, Chuck! It's so hot today!" "Yea, no shit, Marv--and that burning Evelyn Abandandalo in the sky isn't helping matters!"

Well, here's to buying a star for someone! Who knew that five minutes of your time could result in eons of historical reprecussions? Do yourself a favor: Just buy diamonds, you idiot.