Now that we've all decompressed from last night's Academy Awards, here's a list of what I feel was the best and worst about the 76th annual ceremony.
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the good
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-Two words: Billy Crystal - Mr. Crystal returns triumphantly to show once again why he's the best host since Hope and Carson. Whoopi, take notes.
-"Return of the King" wins best picture - Nearly 30 years ago, a genre-altering fantasy film was denied a best picture Oscar due to shortsightedness. That film was "Star Wars." "Lord of the Rings" winning best picture is almost a like a little bit of payback for that horrible mistake. Congrats, Mr. Jackson. Too bad it's 30 years too late, George.
-No Bennifer - There was no sign of J. Lo or Ben Affleck, and the air was cleaner because of it.
-Angelina Jolie's hotness - Say all you want about Charlize Theron, but Angelina was the epicenter of total hotness last night. Damn.
-Quip of Genius #1 - "The Oscars let me come and go as I please these last few years, much like the Texas National Guard."- Billy Crystal
-Sean Penn wins best actor - This guy's been good since "Bad Boys" and "State of Grace." It's about damn time he got recognized for it.
-Quip of Genius #2 - "People are actually moving to New Zealand to get thanked"- Billy Crystal
-The "Wrap Up Your Speech" Song - Jack Black and Will Ferrel in a rare moment of presenter-driven comic genius.
-Tim Robbins' acceptance - For once, a soap-box message that actually WASN'T annoying. Bravo, Tim.
-No Randy Newman - It seems like this hack bastard is nominated every year. There's something nice about not having his heavy-handed presence at this year's awards.
-Billy Crystal's Robin Williams - It's not a stretch to say it was almost funnier than Williams himself. How can you not laugh at "Will the owner of a Ford Coppola please move your car?"
-Adrian Brody's breath spray - Sure, it was probably planned, but it seemed spontaneous. Props to you, my freind. I'd love to have tongue-kissed Halle Berry, even if she was fouled by Fred Durst.
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the bad
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-Sandra Bullock - Why is this person being invited to present awards? What has she done that's even remotely watchable in the last 4 years? And, is it just me, or is she starting to look like an emaciated, shrunken head? Not that she ever was all that attractive to begin with.
-Jim Carrey - Wasn't there a time when this guy was funny? I can't seem to remember when that was. By the way, Jim Carrey doing an impression of Peter Sellers is like Lance Bass covering a Bob Dylan song. Stop. My ears are bleeding.
-Where are the stars? - Sure, I know many big stars are working during the ceremony, but that can't explain all of the big-name absentees like Kurt Russel, Denzel Washington, Bruce Willis, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, Harrison Ford, Robert Redford, Meryl Streep, Kevin Costner, etc. Remember, most people tune into the Oscars to see huge stars and live vicariously through them for a night--it's part of the fun. If you're not nominated, just suck it up and come to the Awards-- let's not forget who keeps you people employed.
-Errol Morris' acceptance - "Thank you for finally recognizing my work!" Sure, you pompous, classless ass. Don't expect them to do it again. Idiot.
-Toooo Loooonnnnngggg - There's still no reason for this show to be this long. People tune in to see the big stars, Crystal's opening, and the major awards. Suggestions: 1)there was no need for Connery's intro. 2)Start the show at 8--do the red carpet bullshit at 7:30. 3)How long before we all realize the majority of people could care less about documentary awards and "foreign language film?" Sorry, but you know it's true.
-Since when does Oscar need a translator? - I appreciate foreign films as much as the next guy, but films produced WHOLLY by foreign countries SHOULD NOT be allowed to be nominated in the major categories. If you want to recognize films funded and made wholly outside of the U.S., generate more "foreign film" categories. And for those of you who are too stupid to grasp this concept, it's not about "xenophobia," it's about fairness and the treatment of American films in an American film awards show. You don't see "Master and Commander" nominated for best picture in a French film awards ceremony, do you?
-Billy Bush - Why the hell do we need to watch an obviously retarded person intervieweing stars who were one second away from socking him in the jaw? Every moment this man was on the screen was more painful than watching Oprah Winfrey. Go away.
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the ugly
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-Uma Thurman - Contrary to popular belief, this woman is actually attractive. Of course, that ragged curtain she had wrapped around her last night would indicate differently.
-Peter Jackson - What the hell? Would it kill you to get a shave or a haircut? Or even a suit that fits you? Are you telling me there's no "big and tall" shops in Los Angeles? I know you're a fantastic director, but how about showing a little common sense, decency and respect for the motion picture industry? Make yourself a HAIR more presentable--no pun intended.
-Fran Walsh - Nothing like taking your fashion cues from Peter Jackson. Two words: "hair helmet."
-Sofia Coppola - I'm sorry, but dear God. At least get a nose job. I guess we should all be thankful that she's realized she belongs BEHIND a camera instead of in front of one.
-Michael Moore - Sure, it was fun to see him get "crushed" in the opening montage, but the sad part is that it wasn't real. Every moment this man is on television is a sad moment for this country. Let's not forget that this is the same man who said, "how could Osama Bin Laden have been behind the World Trade Center attacks? He lives in a cave." Sheer genius.
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