Ahh. The pumpkins have all been smashed, the costumes are all in the trash, and the kids are all attempting to fight the effects of sugar on their way to dreamland. Now that Halloween is over, let's take a moment to reflect on why this holiday is quite possibly one of the most overrated and annoying annual occurances on our Roman calendar.
Let's be honest: Halloween is really not a good holiday. For anyone over the age of 15, it basically sucks. Anyone contending the opposite is either A) delusional, B) amazingly lucky enough to have avoided the heaps of crap associated with this "holiday," or C) impervious to EQUALLY annoying things, such as brain hemmoraging or tax audits. The truth is that Halloween has become the third most overrated holiday of the year, behind St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve, and just ahead of "Thanksgiving Eve."
There are so many reasons why this holiday is like eating glass (not the least of which, for parents--is having to usher kids around the block feigning small talk with neighbors you hate when you'd rather be asleep), but illustrating them all would take up weeks worth of blog pages. Instead, let's just identify a few that particularly annoyed this editor this specific year:
1) "Practice for Christmas Shopping Rudeness" - Approximately 40 hours before Halloween night, I had the pleasure of navigating the downtown area of my hometown to run errands. Normally, this process sucks due to the retail over-extension of the town and the beyond-poor traffic conditions--but because it was so close to Halloween, the BS factor is doubled. On my way, a rather rude male interrupted my walking cell phone conversation by yelling, "Hey man! Hey my man! Hey! Hey Man!" Apparently, my conversation is secondary, but that's ok, maybe he needs urgent help, I figured. Wrong! He then asks, "do you know where there's a costume store around here?" Unfortunately, I didn't really know any off the top of my head--but instead of being equally rude by simply saying no, I offered several areas that might have what he was looking for. However, instead of paying attention to me, he rudely broke eye contact, ignored what I was saying, continued loading his vehicle and didn't even feign interest. At the end of my comments, he showed no registration of the information, nor did he offer a thank you.
I can only hope that this gentleman was looking for HIMESLF, and not a child, because he showed a level of interest rivalling that of those normally prosecuted by child welfare. Why bother asking if you don't care? And if you truly don't care, how does that reflect on your parenting? And, if you don't have kids, do you even realize you're an asshole? No--of course he doesn't. This is the same idiot who won't let you in his lane, has a truck for no reason, and measures his manhood by how many times he visits Home Depot. Here's hoping he ended up wrapped around a telephone pole on his trek for a costume. Ironically, he would have found one: with all the bandages he could be a mummy! Cheers, my good man.
2) "Amateur Night at the OK Corral" - Years ago, the only holiday that could actually physically make you feel like less of a person for not 'doing something' was the mother of all amatuer nights: New Years Eve. If you chose to stay home and/or do something low key instead of going out, paying $100 a head to drink watered down crap at a bar, getting some trashy broad drunk, and then fighting roads filled with drunk drivers on your way home, then you were an 'anti-social' dolt. Sadly, this feeling has crept into Halloween, thanks to commercialization and overzealous watering holes that would normally not make money otherwise.
Nowadays, the inane peer pressure associated with that of New Years Eve has become unavoidable in October as well. "Did you go to a party?" people will ask. "Did you do anything?" They will chirp. They'll prattle on about "Halloween events" at the local bar and quickly fashioned parties to satiate the need to feel justified as a human being: "I NEED to do something, or else I'm a loser! Oh dear God, no! I need a costume! I need a party! Without it, I have no life!!!" Never mind the fact that many of these people don't do anything social on OTHER, normal nights. Like the churchgoers who justify their faith by showing up on Chritmas Eve, they must hastily justify their social existence by "making the scene" at a party that will, undoubtedly be anticlimactic.
And where do they go? More times than not, they find a local bar willing to capitalize on this need to be loved by offering an evening of lame-ass entertainment that costs almost as much as a New Years Eve event. For example: A bar called Vintage here in the Tri-State Area is teetring on the edge of profitablilty due to poor location (a bar next door recently closed down) and--in my personal experience--unfreindly, rude employees. This weekend, they offered a "Halloween extravaganza" that cost $35-$40 a head. What do you get for this? Presumably, undercooked microwavable pigs in a blanket, open bar until 11 (on a Saturday? How is this a good idea?) and a DJ. What are you REALLY paying for, however? The need to buy a lame-ass costume at the last minute, the fun of finding parking in a city that enforces parking infractions as if you're a drug dealer, and last, but not least, the ability to walk into a bar that's physically detached from any other night spots in town to listen to canned DJ music. Bang for your buck? I think not. A bar in Vintage's situation shouldn't be charging for anything--but that's besides the point. The presumptuous nature of ANY bar to charge for entry because of Halloween is outrageous to begin with. The sad part is that we as consumers feed into this by making a point to pay and attend such idiotic get-togethers.
The people feeding the coffers of such establishments need to start taking a stand before Halloween weekend becomes as needlessly overpriced as New Years eve. I'll never forget one "Thanksgiving Eve" (another overrated "event") when I walked to a local bar and attempted to enter. "We never charge a cover here," the bouncer said, "except tonight." What? Is that like we're open 24 hours a day, but not in a row? They charge because they know there are people stupid enough to pay. Stop the madness, people.
3) "Costumes? We Don't Need No Freaking Costumes!" - This one is more directly related to the meat and potatoes of the holiday: Costumes and candy. In the past, there was something required to go door-to-door and collect graciously offered candy in the neighborhood: That thing was a costume. It could be anything: Face paint, a sheet, a store-bought mask--something. Just a siimple show of effort and holiday spirit on All Hallow's Eve that made the evening fun and enjoyable for homeowner and trick-or-treater alike. When did this suddenly become optional?
In recent years, there's something insidiously frightening infecting the world of trick-or-treaters on Halloween: urban and/or disgruntled pre-teens/teens who feel they don't need a costume to trick-or-treat. Oh, And before anyone says anything, this sickness applies to all colors and creeds of annoying teens and pre-teens: Black, White, Latin, Asian, etc. The fact is that more and more often, youths are showing up on doorsteps with no costumes, and an open sack waiting for candy. No effort, no feel for the holiday, and apparently, no reservations about it. For the most part, these "kids" are way too old to be trick-or-treating, which is strange enough to begin with. Since they are a little older, this apparently gives them a license to be apathetic about the traditions of the holiday. "Why bother?" they ask. "Who gives a shit?" We do. We're giving you candy. Without costumes, the act of trick-or-treating effectively becomes panhandling, plain and simple.
What's more annoying is some excuses generated by such behavior: If asked, some teens retort, "we can't afford costumes." Really? How'd you pay for the $150 jacket you're wearing? Oh, and what about the $200 sneakers on your feet? And what about that iPod Nano? Or that PSP? Or that cell phone surgically attached to your hip? Give me a fucking break. Are you telling me you can't afford $3 worth of makeup? Or $5 for a mask? Or the 5 minutes needed to cut two eye holes in a sheet? I personally know people who grew up in poverty light years worse than ANY of these kids have had to deal with, and even they made the effort to do SOMETHING on Halloween. It's sad, really. Enough is enough.
4) "What Time is It?" - This last one is a bit more minor, but it needs to be spoken of. At approximately 10:20 PM on this Halloween MONDAY night, someone had the nerve to ring the doorbell. The house was dark--as were most houses at this hour--but ring they did--Twice! What the hell is wrong with people? Who could be ringing a doorbell on a Monday night at 10:20 at a darkened house? Let's explore the possibilities:
- A parent who has no concept of time and willingly has his kids out at 10:20 on a school night. He/she either is unemployed and/or is the parent of a child who doesn't attend school--which would mosty likely not foster the kind of home life that would generate a parent-child bonding experience such as trick-or-treating. One would have to assume the parent here is a genuine idiot or drunk.
- A child unattended by a parent who has been brought up (or NOT brought up as the case may be) to believe that walking alone at night after every sane trick-or-treater has gone home is acceptable. This child is undoubtedly the product of fine parenting, and will go on to bigger and better things in his/her life: such as working at your local gas station.
- An overaged youth that shouldn't be out trick-or-treating in the first place. He/She doesn't care that school starts 10 hours later, because he/she most likely doesn't attend. Or, the person is already too old for school, and is attempting to re-live his/her youth by awkwardly posing as a child (without a costume, no doubt) and panhandling for candy at an hour when many working men and women are preparing for bed.
In any case, this is almost shockingly stupid and inane. Parent, child or both: the common-sense switch in the brain has either been turned off, or permanently burned out long ago.
The above instances notwithstanding, Halloween can still be an enjoyable holiday for kids and parents. Not every human has to deal with what we've outlined here. The point is that it's becoming harder and harder to avoid these--and many other--major annoyances with every passing year. Long ago, this holiday was cheerful and full of joy--and it still can be for children throughout our country. But it's getting harder and harder to enjoy it, because when we go apple bobbing nowadays, there are more than a few bad apples out there to ruin it all. In truth, the 'bucket' we're bobbing into is overflowing with worm-filled rotting fruit that seems to overshadow the fruit worth biting--to the point where we have to ask ourselves, "is this really worth it anymore?"
While you're pondering that, remember Christmas is less than two months away. Fun, fun, fun!
